The Patterns of Cheaters: What I’ve Learned From the Field

Over the years, I have been employed by numerous clients who had a strong intuition that something was amiss in their relationships. Regrettably, their instincts were frequently proven accurate. I have identified numerous instances of infidelity, and what consistently strikes me is the predictability of the patterns. While the identities may vary, the behaviours remain remarkably consistent across all instances.

What Cheaters Tend to Do

Upon commencing observation of an individual suspected of infidelity, I have become accustomed to identifying recurring patterns of behaviour. These patterns, which consistently deviate from expected norms, include:

• Obsessive Phone Guarding: Individuals exhibiting obsessive phone guarding behaviours may abruptly restrict access to their devices. This may manifest in actions such as flipping over the phone, altering passwords, or deleting messages. Even when stepping outside to “take a call,” such actions are often considered red flags.

• The novel excuse: Whether it be late night work, unexpected business trips, or the acquisition of a new “hobby,” infidelity perpetrators almost invariably devise a pretext for increased time away from home.

• The Makeover Phase: During this phase, individuals may opt for a physical transformation by acquiring new attire, acquiring a new fragrance, or even embarking on a fitness regimen after years of neglect. However, if this transformation is not shared with their partner, it is often attributed to someone else.

• Emotional withdrawal: They will get distant and distracted, and when questioned, they flip defensive.

• Guilt-driven overcompensation: Occasionally, the exact opposite occurs: they become unexpectedly more affectionate, purchasing gifts, and making excessive efforts to conceal their actions.

Regardless of gender or age, I consistently observe these behaviours.

The Fallout

The most distressing aspect is never witnessing the infidelity firsthand; instead, it is observing the detrimental impact it has on the individual being deceived. I have observed clients disintegrate once presented with the evidence. Some express emotional distress, while others become irate, and others remain completely silent. Betrayal has a profound and enduring effect, engendering self-doubt that can persist for years. Individuals may internalise blame, question their own actions, and carry this burden into subsequent relationships.

Three Cases That Stick With Me

To give an idea of how this plays out, here are a few real cases (details changed to protect clients):

1. The Business Trip That Never Was

   A wife asserted that her husband was travelling out of town for work. However, my surveillance footage revealed her checking into a hotel across town with the same man every week. My client had been at home, patiently awaiting texts from her, under the misconception that she was miles away.

   
   

   

   
   

2. The Social Media Slips

   A boyfriend became excessively attached to his phone but would become irate whenever his partner inquired about it. A closer examination revealed late night conversations with a colleague, conveniently occurring during the hours he claimed to be “too busy” for his girlfriend’s calls.

   
   

   

   
   

3. The Gym Phase

   One individual abruptly transformed into a fervent fitness enthusiast, adamantly asserting his necessity to frequent the gym every evening. However, after observation, I discovered that he was not engaging in any physical exercise at all. Instead, he was meeting a woman there and proceeding to her residence.

   
   

   

Every single case followed the same pattern: secrecy, changes in routine, and emotional detachment.

Why I Keep Doing This

While I do not relish the prospect of confirming individuals’ most apprehensive concerns, I am cognisant of the paramount significance of truth. Despite the potential emotional distress it may entail, my clients are entitled to clarity. Infidelity thrives on deception and uncertainty; my role is to elucidate both aspects, enabling individuals to make informed decisions with a comprehensive understanding of the situation.